Letting Me, be Me.

Theres a side of me thats a little wild, a little goofy. The kind that dances in store aisles to the crappy music on the loudspeakers, that does overly dramatic renditions of Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You into spoons, that wants to run a little like Phoebe in friends sometimes, and wants to run around in the middle of a thunderstorm and get soaking wet. 

There’s this side of me that is this outgoing, crazy sexy girl who doesn’t care what other people think and dances crazy in clubs and wears sexy outfits and just lets go of herself. That doesn’t care if people are watching and potentially judging me. 

Unfortunately I care. I want to let this inner dork, this inner goofball, this inner wild child out, who doesn’t care that she has no rhythm therefore can’t dance, that doesn’t care that she most definitely cannot sing. But I care.

I am so self-conscious that this side of me rarely comes out in public. If i’m alone in my apartment i will dance around, i will do the dramatic reenactments of cheesy love songs and watch dorky movies just because I like them. I even hold myself back sometimes on this blog because I fear of what people will think of my little quirks. 

This spills over into my professional life. I know I am good at what I do, I know I am massively creative and talented and all the fancy jargon I need to be for my profession but when it comes down to it, I second guess myself constantly. When I was in high school I tried out for a play and gave a killer audition, one I didn’t even know I had in me. I impressed the judges and I was on the short list for callbacks for the lead role. 

At the last minute I panicked, I am not good enough for that role! Who was I kidding? I gave a less than stellar audition because I was so nervous and because I didn’t want the part anymore. I was too scared of what everyone else would think of me in my small high school that I gave up the part to a friend of mine who outshone my insecurity. 

I am scared to progress in my career, to take on more responsibility in the design because I am not confident in the talent I have within myself. Freelance opportunities may arise but I will back out and never contact the person because I don’t think I could possibly do it on my own. 

The thing is, I hate people who are like this, who can’t see their own potential and hide behind others talent. Sometimes I’ll catch myself doing this and now I actively try to avoid going down that road. But after 20 some odd years of losing my confidence in myself, of being incredibly self conscious, its hard to just let loose and just be me. The me I know is in there, the one that wants to sing and dance her way out, the outgoing me that isn’t worried about making a fool of myself. And if I do make a fool of myself, I know I can handle it, that I can laugh it off and end up making more fun of myself than anyone else ever could–because that’s what I do when I make a fool of myself currently. When I forget to put my guard up and let things slip out.

How can I get rid of this wall? How can I let this girl that I am now merge with the girl that I know is hiding out inside of me? This beautiful, fun to be with girl, who doesn’t have a care in the world and doesn’t hold back doing things and living the life I want so badly? Who isn’t so scared by what the world thinks–the world that would probably enjoy this side of me? 

When will I just let me, be me?