What Happens When Peter Decides to Bet Against Phelps

I lost a bet.

So, here I am guest posting.

I can’t remember exactly what we were wagering on. I think it was about how adorable I am.

I said “adorable.” Ashely said “very adorable.”

Well played, Ashley. Well played.

As regular Ashley readers, you’ll know that she has posted about almost nothing but Olympic swimmers for weeks now. To keep with that trend, I am typing this shirtless. Though NOT hairless. Buncha chest-shaving Nancys.

If you were expecting this post to make a lot of sense, then clearly you don’t read my blog.

You should really get on that.

(That’s what she said.)

(Who is she anyway? She sounds like a bit of a trollop. I wonder if she has a blog.)

Let’s talk about me some more…

I am a Scorpio.

I like short walks at sunset, holding asses.

You heard me.

I’m a lover AND a fighter. Often at the same time. Mrroowrrrrrrr.

Sometimes I am a romantic.

And sometimes I bring my own rope to tie your ass to the bed. (The nylon, non-chafey stuff.)

I like when toilet paper unspools from the top of the roll. Do it the other way and I’ll cut ya.

I prefer The Stones to The Beatles.

I like big butts.

And I CAN lie.

Especially if it leads to me having access to your big butt.

I like to write. Mostly angry letters to the government, bunt cake recipes and clown erotica.

I am a bit of a delicate flower when it comes to writing. To be creative, I need to have things around me a certain way. (Reading this, you can tell that they clearly aren’t that way right now.)

I need the right temperature. I need the right amount of lighting. And I definitely need the right music. Sometimes a scene calls for Joseph Arthur’s “Honey and the Moon.” And sometimes it calls for Buckcherry’s “Crazy Bitch.”

You know?

Stop looking at me like that.

Well, I’ve rambled here enough. (Impossible!)

I’ll let you get back to Ashley’s perverted gushing over swimmer boys and complaining about her boobs.

“They are just too awesome. Everyone talks about them. And my bank account has too much money. My country wins too many gold medals. I fart unicorns.”

She sickens me.

Man, I could go for some bunt cake.