Lost Shoes and Lodge Walls

You guys asked, and I am delivering. You all wanted to know exactly how I lost my shoe in the subway, and how I skied into a lodge wall. Ironically I had to tell the skiing story while out last night drinking so it shouldn’t be that hard to tell. Of course it’d probably be a lot funnier if I told this to you in person *so you could have the sound effects to go with it–and the hand gestures. Can’t forget the hand gestures.

Several years ago, while I was commuting in from CT, I had the unfortunate chance of losing my shoe. It was a cloudy November day in CT when I left the house but I should have known better than to throw on my flip-flops. I was running late though and we never make good decisions when we’re late, am I right? I almost missed my train to the city, propelling myself on board–sign number two that I should have stayed home (number one being that it was cloudy. And i was late). Once in the city, where it was pouring cats and dogs, I started the fun trek through the subway system. I barely made the shuttle train to Times Square as it was taking off, sign number THREE that transportation was not going to be my friend today. 

In Times Square I transferred to the downtown 1 train. When I got to the top of the stairs I realized the train was already there and damnit I was going to make it. I sped down the stairs and ran across the platform into the first train. I stepped inside the first train and whooooooooosh.

My foot goes flying across the slippery floor of the car. 

My legs go splitsville, which is something they just cannot do, and the further I slip in to the car, the further my foot still on the platform slips until eventually it falls right in between the train and the platform. Of course this is all happening at a much faster speed, all I was worried about was my ankle getting closed in the subway car door.

A man behind me obviously saw my distress and picked me up as I was going down. As he started to right me on my feet, my foot stuck between the train and the platform got stuck. And then it happened.

The shoe fell off my foot onto the tracks.

I shrieked and everyone in the packed subway car just realized what happened. A fate worse than death: BEING BAREFOOT IN THE SUBWAY.

I had visions of gonorrhea of the foot running through my head. I was so disgusted. So I balanced myself on the one shoed foot and hopped out at Penn Station to hop up the stairs, hop across the sidewalk (I really was hopping, hows that for a visual?) and did I mention it was pouring rain? When it rains in NY it creates puddles. 

Cue visions of Herpes of the foot (and any other nasty diseases you can think of).

I was miserable and to top that off–soaking wet because, as you can imagine, I had forgotten an umbrella. As I stood waiting for the light to change so I could hop my way to Old Navy a woman with an umbrella standing next to me looked down at me and was all Ohh look at you you poor thing, all soaking wet! 

I wanted to kill her with every fiber of my body. She didn’t even offer her umbrella. Thank you for stating the obvious! 

So my $2 old navy flip-flops ended up costing me my dignity and a $30 pair of boots. And a lot of soap. 

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So you may now understand how I could possibly run into a wall while skiing. Things that are ridiculous and really way out there happen only to me, I swear. 

So I was 15 and it was my first time skiing. I was with a chaperoned religious group (somehow, even though I’m not religious AT ALL) with a bunch of my high school friends. We were having a good time on the bunny slope which wasn’t really that hard to do, there was barely an incline and I didn’t have a risk of running into a tree. Just potentially kill people while getting off the ski lift. My friends were quickly getting the hang of skiing and eventually all soldiered off to the green hills, leaving me behind.

What fun was that? I wanted to join.

Problem was, I hadn’t mastered stopping yet. The snow plow? Not slowing me down in the slightest. I managed to forget that when I hopped on the big snow lift which in itself was terrifying because of my fear of heights. 

I get off fine and proceed to stand at the top of the hill looking down it, not wanting to go down. My friends all go down, then again, then again. They all ask me if I’m ready this time and I’m still not. I’m stubbornly annoying and really wishing I could just magically appear in the lodge below, without having to actually ski down the hill.

Finally my friends get sick of this so they give me a little shove. I start going down the hill and its not so bad! I’m weaving back and forth, I’m doing everything I was told to do. Its actually a lot better than I ever thought it could be! 

The wind was in my face, I was being cheered on by my friends, life was good.

You know those “Life is Good” merchandise? My father has this shirt that says Life Is Crap and its a guy with a board nailed to his finger and he’s bleeding profusely (my father is big into carpentry). I need one of those shirts that portrays what happens next.

So I’m going down the last leg of the hill, which is a little steeper but you know? I’m handling it SO WELL. My friends are up in the ski lift watching me go down and they’re rooting for me! They are watching this successful mastery of the green hill and it can only go up from there. I was so happy.

Until I realized that I was coming up really fast on the lodge that was at the bottom of the hill. I started snowplowing. Wasn’t happening.

I then started panicking. I wasn’t slowing down. 

I WASN’T SLOWING DOWN.

I flew past the picnic tables full of happy skiing-competent families and then it happened.

I hit the wall–WHAM!

Face first.

No I wasn’t wearing a helmet.

I ricocheted off the wall but didn’t fall down. Everyone started rushing over to see if I was ok, my friends in the ski lift who had been cheering me on were now screaming in fright. Everything was as if it were on slow motion.

One of the chaperones saw what happened and came running over and realized what was going on before anyone else had.

“ASHLEY! BREATHE!!”

I had stopped breathing. I was in such shock over hitting the wall, that I never regained my breathe after the initial impact wiped it out of me. After hearing everyones “are you ok?!”s I realized that maybe I wasn’t really ok and started to cry. Hysterically. I continued on for a good ten minutes, even though I wasn’t really that hurt.

Thats right folks, I amazingly didn’t break any bones, didn’t bruise a thing despite hitting the wall at I don’t even want to know speeds. I spent the rest of the day drinking free hot chocolate in the lodge after employees who saw what happened felt bad for me and kept me well occupied.

I will forever be known as the girl who ran into the lodge.

 

Now you know how it comes to be that I am the clumsiest person alive. And those are just TWO of the many ridiculous stories. I hope you all enjoyed it, and at least laughed. And learned your lesson about learning how to stop while skiing and to never wear flip flops in the rain